Thursday, April 24, 2014
Friday, April 18, 2014
sh*t famous astronauts i've met say
him: you can do a space walk if you want; if you choose to.
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him: all the water we drink used to be dinosaur pee.
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him: all the water we drink used to be dinosaur pee.
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sh*t i say
me: what's a "jheri curl"? is that, like, for jewish people?
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me: they're not chips, they're potatoes!
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me (to husband who has entered the room to sit with me after he decided to eat his dinner alone in the computer room to watch football online): what are you doing?
husband: i'm here being with you.
me: well, i'm here being with chocolate covered cranberries.
***
me: i'm right, dan!!! just because i drank a bottle of wine, doesn't make me stupid!
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me: they're not chips, they're potatoes!
***
me (to husband who has entered the room to sit with me after he decided to eat his dinner alone in the computer room to watch football online): what are you doing?
husband: i'm here being with you.
me: well, i'm here being with chocolate covered cranberries.
***
me: i'm right, dan!!! just because i drank a bottle of wine, doesn't make me stupid!
***
sh*t my co-workers say (though not necessarily while at work)
her: you and i are no different except that you are more responsible.
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her: cunts are useful. twats are not.
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him: you pretty much had to spit that sperm into your vagina.
stranger at the bar missing a tooth: is there room for one more at that table?
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him: whatcha writin'?
me: nothin'.
him: shut up and write, whore.
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her: cunts are useful. twats are not.
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him: you pretty much had to spit that sperm into your vagina.
stranger at the bar missing a tooth: is there room for one more at that table?
***
him: whatcha writin'?
me: nothin'.
him: shut up and write, whore.
***
sh*t my husband says
(regarding a movie entitled, "Clara's Deadly Secret")
him(whispering): she has teeth in her vagina!
me: that's a sad secret!
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me: if i could just have periods for the rest of my life and not go through menopause at all, that's what i would prefer.
him: no! then sampy would be right! you'd be an old lady and you'd die!
(sampy is our dog who sniffs my crotch very concernedly every time i am menstruating)
***
him: and your hormones have stabilized nicely. the last thing we need to do is mess them up.
(in reference to not taking birth control pills)
***
him: i had a dream you will not like.
me: what?
him: i dreamed you gave birth to twins.
me: AAAAAAGGGHGHGHHHH!!!
him(whispering): she has teeth in her vagina!
me: that's a sad secret!
***
me: if i could just have periods for the rest of my life and not go through menopause at all, that's what i would prefer.
him: no! then sampy would be right! you'd be an old lady and you'd die!
(sampy is our dog who sniffs my crotch very concernedly every time i am menstruating)
***
him: and your hormones have stabilized nicely. the last thing we need to do is mess them up.
(in reference to not taking birth control pills)
***
him: i had a dream you will not like.
me: what?
him: i dreamed you gave birth to twins.
me: AAAAAAGGGHGHGHHHH!!!
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